This week we have a very special guest post from my (new) best friend, Annie Chase. I asked Annie Chase to consider writing a post for the blog a couple of months back, but we had not really talked about it since, and you can imagine my surprise when I got a message from her letting me know she had finished the post, and was ready to send it to me. I opened the e-mail and found the following post. Sheer. Brilliance. I have never been so shocked/confused/humored by anything before. Please note that I do not even know Annie Chase that well, and that makes this post that much more awesome. All of these pictures are from my house! So creepy. My respect for her has increased 100 fold. Please enjoy the following:
Halloween is a creepy holiday. It’s the day that people dress up as things that they are not and walk up to strangers’ homes in the dark to beg for candy. Myths are told to little children who are terrified of the dark of monsters, ghouls, and toothless men who would snatch them and eat them or worse, stalk them from afar while they go about their daily routine.
What does this have to do with me? Even more, what does this have to do with Stanton and his humble blog? Well I have a Halloween confession to make. By night, I sit in my room alone watching movies or laughing maniacally to myself but BY DAY I am a closet stalker.
Some people who claim to be “legit stalkers yo” limit themselves to the simplified world of facebook where the stalking is now done for you on the top right sidebar. I, however, have learned some very simple rules of stalking that have enabled me to go beyond their childish ways and embrace the illegal art of … wait did I say illegal!… I meant, well, lets just say that I have gotten to know Stanton Martin very well this past month.
Stalking Stanton. Seven simple ways to start your stalking career.
First of all, there are some rules that need to be applied. I started out by doing my research. I found this video very helpful.
Rule 1: Always wear stalkings. Check!
Rule 2: Only stalk strangers (I got around this rule since I have never ACTUALLY hung out with Stanton outside of large social gatherings.) Check!
Rule 3: Be prepared (casual dress, work out clothing, formal wear) Check!
Rule 4: Blend in with your environment (I AM my environment) Check!
Rule 5: Grab a disguise. Check!
Rule 6: Get close (befriend those they love/ kidnap pet) = Check!
Rather than know the boring list of ways I “got to know” Stanton, I thought you all might like to know how I started stalking Stanton in a format that inspires and equips you to do the same to anyone you choose.
Disclaimer: This was my personal process – yours many not unfold as gloriously as mine. Don’t despair; just get back out there.
Step 2: Do your research. Talk to his friends, use facebook as a kick off point but don’t be afraid to build relationships. The more you know about their habits and whereabouts the better prepared you will be.
Step 3: Meet the family. Personally, I chose to help make lunch with his mom and brother. Stanton doesn’t mention that he has a younger brother much on his blog but that’s merely because he is afraid everyone will be blown away by his awesomeness. After a friendly visit to momma Martin and Joe Martin, it was time to kick it up a notch.
Step 4: Make a house visit. Mine was cut short due to a dead camera battery and the fact that Stanton himself was due home in the next few minutes… whew! That was a close one! I got friendly with his cat, Mo, and family dog, Aggie.
Step 5: Do whatever he does. In the future, you will find yourself having to talk to the person you’ve been stalking all this time. But you’re in luck, you know more about them then they realize. Always be prepared to deflect the potential awkwardness with a quick conversation starter related to things the two of you have done together… er, somewhat… For example, On October 12th Stanton started exercising again, so I did too!
Step 6: Follow him around a bit. In all honestly, stalking humans is a bit like deer hunting. You find out about them, spend some time in their environment, follow them from afar, then watch and wait. When they’re just right and perfectly clueless – - you attack. But that’s step 7. For this step, I failed. I had all my information right but I kept missing him at various locations. At my final attempt he had left just minutes before I arrived. Seeing as I was planning this step to combine with step 7 I failed at that too. I’m sorry Stanton. You have successfully avoided me without even knowing…yet I still managed to follow you a little bit…
Step 7: The attack. This step is by far the scariest, most nerve-wracking step but you’ve come this far and you’re well prepared. This is the step that takes you face to face with your stalk-ee. This may happen as planned or it may occur prematurely due to bad stalking techniques (Or it may never happen at all no matter how hard you try…but I’m not bitter). Whichever way, act natural and start up a pleasant conversation with your victim… uh, stalkee. You should impress them with how much insight you have into their waking life. Not enough to scare them but enough to make them wonder why they were never friends with you before. Now they’re hooked. You’ve made a new friend through the practiced art of stalking and they don’t know what hit them. Congratulations!
[Special thanks to Mrs. Martin, Joe Martin, Celeste Scott, Alli Bostrom, Bliss Hatcliff, Abbie Grantham, Mysie Falardeau and countless others who acted as sounding boards and encouraged me on. And of course to Stanton for giving me something to do with my unemployed free time… welcome to the club.]
BONUS! Check out this video for more awesomeness: