Life Tip: Choose Your Own Coworkers

Life Tips with Stanton are guaranteed to help you lead a more productive and fulfilling life. Be sure to check back every Wednesday for another Life Tip and email if you have an idea for a Life Tip.

Update: I got let go today. I made it a year and a day at ASR Nationwide. Quite the accomplishment. Check back over the next week and a half for some fun office themed posts.


We all have to work, it’s just a fact of life. Unless of course you’re independently wealthy or a woman—caveat for ruined women: you still have to work. We don’t have a lot of choices while laboring away 40+ hours a week in the bowels of corporate America—we can’t pick our boss, we can’t pick our nose; we can’t choose our boss’ nose. Or whatever. You know, you just can’t always get what you want, but I ain’t too proud to beg when it comes to getting some workplace satisfaction. That was a fairly contrived shout-out to The Rolling Stones.

Your coworkers are just one more aspect of your work-life that you cannot control, or are they? What if I told you that you could choose your own coworkers? Would you celebrate me; would you praise me like you should? Well, you can. “How,” you ask. “I’ll tell you,” I tell you.

Through the strategic usage of ear-buds and the Internet. First you must tune out your actual physical coworkers that surround you by listening to some sweet jams. May I recommend The Rolling Stones or perhaps some Fatboy Slim? You’re welcome. Once you’ve effectively sent the message that you’re not talking to anyone in your office and established your rep as a real bastard/lady bastard, you can move on to the next step.

Let's get chatty!

Google Talk. Download it. Assuming you have friends (actual or Internet flavored) that work mind-numbingly boring office jobs as well, or you are friends with a jobless bum (with access to a computer and Internet), you can proceed to carry on day-long conversations via Google Talk or Gtalk as those that freebase it call it.

Joseph Craven and I have been friends for quite some time, but we celebrated our one year GTalk working relationship just yesterday! Besides myself, Craven is the longest employed person in the Vendor Department. He knows everyone I have worked with, everything that I hate about my job, and if he ever annoys me I can just log out. I never have to worry about him getting laid off, and if I quit my job, he can follow me to my next office. It’s perfect.

A word of warning, if you cast off all of your other coworkers and talk exclusively with your GTalk coworker, you will talk about some truly interesting and often times awful things. Here are just a few excerpts of conversations I’ve had with my GTalk coworker over the past year:


Stanton: Well, I walked in today to everyone packing up their desks, and I got really excited for a second. Then I just found out that everyone is moving around again today.

Craven: Hahaha you might be the only person who would walk in to their place of work being shut down and go “YES!”


Stanton: My office is a degree or two above the coldest. It’s like being in the water after the titanic went down.

Stanton: Only less fun.

Stanton: And no water.


Stanton: So, we have this thing called the agent lookup tool which we abrev ALUT. And for some reason I was like, no that isn’t right. There’s an S, right?

Craven: What does it say about your life that because it didn’t say “SLUT” you thought it was wrong?

Stanton: Not good things, man. Not good things.


Stanton: Oh man. People are awful.

Stanton: Especially if you’ve repo’d their car.


Stanton: I just stabbed myself in the eye with my hand.

Craven: The whole hand?

Craven: I think we call that a “punch”


Craven: How did we reach this point in our lives?

Stanton: GPS error.


Craven: It’s the most competitive time of the year!

Stanton: ….Easter?

Craven: Eggsactly! bahahaha oh god just kill me now.


Craven: We can be busy and not talk to each other this weekend.

Craven: It’ll be just like old times, before we ever met!

Stanton: I miss those days so much.


Craven: I had a birthday cake milkshake, then lost my sight due to diabetes.

Stanton: I am not sure what that is but it sounds amazing.

Craven: ….diabetes?


Craven: Rebecca Black has a new song about haters called “My Moment”

Stanton: Um…her “moment” was a moment of national shame.


Craven: What is the past tense of Break Dance?

Stanton: Broke Danced. Or Broke Dancen.

Stanton: As in, “He had been Broke Dancen before.”

What is your office environment like? What do you do to help make it through the day?

Pass It On:

    About Stanton

    I'm just a boy, a boy standing in front of the Internet, asking it to love him. Also: I eat dead animals.


    14 Responses to Life Tip: Choose Your Own Coworkers

    1. The Joseph Craven October 26, 2011 at 4:42 am #

      I actually said the line about the punch, I'm pretty sure. And I enjoyed that some of the convos had me as Joseph, and some had me as Craven. It's like I'm two different people.

      Another one I enjoyed:


      I am reading through the revised company handbook, and this line sticks out:

      Stanton: "Employees are expected to do the following: Refraining from bringing excessive amounts of money or valuables to the workplace."

      Craven: Do you have a bad problem with people making it rain in the office?Big thank you to Bnter for preserving so many classic moments!

    2. Taylorlane18 October 26, 2011 at 5:10 am #

      hilarious! that was like a creepy peer-in on your life! thanks for letting us in! :) 

      • Stanton Martin October 26, 2011 at 9:46 am #

        You're always welcome to peer in, just please refrain from tapping on the glass or feeding the animals.

    3. Katie Peterson Ellio October 26, 2011 at 5:40 am #

      It was so great to laugh on a day where I gave a test to my students who may now hate me.  Thank you, Stanton Martin.  Thank you.

    4. Amanda October 26, 2011 at 7:52 am #

      Don't tell Craven, but you and him are the only reason I made it through being home sick for three weeks without completely losing my mind. Thank you GoogleTalk and office jobs!

    5. Ricky Anderson October 26, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

      I'm sorry / excited (circle one) you got laid off.

      But I'm totally looking forward to having you as my new coworker next week.

    6. Kristen K. October 26, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

      I might have read this in class while gchatting with classmates about our desire to quit our program completely. 

      thank you for this.

      • Stanton Martin October 26, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

        So glad I could help. Stay strong/quit, whatever works really.

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