7 Things That’ll Probably Happen in October

Every Friday I present a list of 7 Things I have learned/observed/frantically made up for your reading pleasure. Love it? Hate It? Got a great idea for a 7 Things spot? Drop me a line at info@stantonmartin.com

Best pumpkins, or best pumpkins ever?

I’ll carve/paint a pumpkin. There’s just something about pumpkin carving that appeals to the very fabric of my being. Could there be anything more decidedly fallish than scooping out all of the pumpkin guts from your freshly carved jack-o’- lantern? I like to close my eyes and imagine I am scooping out the innards of some dead person/creature, it really puts me in the Halloween mood. Thanks to my friend, Tyler Tarver, for sharing this fantastic photo.

I’ll slack off on my fitness lifestyle plan. I’m not one for half-assery. If I’m going to get on a fitness plan, then I am going to go ahead and overhaul my entire lifestyle. You know, start waking up at ungodly hours to workout, ban all of the foods that make life worth living, drink lots of water, and go to bed early. That’s always the plan anyway. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result each time. If that is true, then I am insane in the membrane, because I go through this song and dance every Fall and then again around Spring. I’ll end up eating brownies and ice cream and staying up way too late (without ever having woken up that early) in two weeks flat.

I’ll get lost in a corn maze full of teen angst. I am not sure why, but  corn mazes just seem like prime fodder for any WB/CW show about teenagers that have some angsty issues. You know what I mean. These kids that are supposed to be in high school but have the problems and freedoms of a twenty-something, heck, they’re even played by actors in their late 20’s. You just know that several of the characters that are in relationships riddled with all kinds of angst would all end up lost in a corn maze of hot desire and forbidden love. Things are getting hot and heavy, y’all. Don’t worry, this is a family friendly corn maze/farm situation that I’m going to visit. There will be no longing glances or rolling around in the hay.

I mean if you're able to do this with your hair, aren't you kinda morally obligated to do so?

I’ll come dangerously close to shaving my head. It’s inevitable. I haven’t cut my hair since June 14^th; that’s four months to this day. Whenever my hair gets this long I start having serious doubts about the hair growing-out process. It’s just an awkward stage, and I am always  tempted to cut it all off. Here’s a great link that explains what I go through each and every year. The great thing is that after my work out the other night I was able to style my hair as pictured to the right which led to a moment of sheer inspiration. I think I’m going to go for this hairstyle, add some baby-powder to my weave, wear an adult diaper, and go as Baby Einstein for Halloween this year. What do you guys think?

I’ll watch at least one show/movie about zombies. I have a love/hate relationship with zombies. I hate them because they’ll eat your face off and turn you into an evil undead creature. I love them because they’re the only thing that really get me riled up in a horror movie/tv show. If you want to check out a truly ridiculous zombie flick, might I suggest Dead Snow? I mean what could be worse than zombies? Nazi zombies. That’s right. I am serious when I say that I’m eagerly anticipating the premiere of AMC’s The Walking Dead, however. My golden rule for surviving the zombie apocalypse is: no hugs! No one’s mouth gets anywhere near my neck in the event of the zombie plague.

Good luck, y'all.

I’ll end up doing nothing for Halloween. Again. If this were a show on The WB/CW there would be some killer (pun?) Halloween party full of teen/twenty-something angst and skanky costumes. Seriously though, what is it with Halloween, anyway? Why does this holiday give everyone the excuse to dress up like a slut? Slutty cats, slutty nurses, slutty sluts. I’m sorry but wearing nothing but your underwear and some cat ears does not make you a cat. I mean I guess it does for this one magical night, but on all of the other 364 days of the year it would just make you a whore. I think everyone should have to go to these parties as food items, can you imagine how hard it would be to turn a broccoli costume into something skanky?

My employer will go out of business. October 25^th will mark my one year anniversary of employment at my current job, and about six days later it is very likely that the doors to my office will be closed permanently. Could there be some sort of correlation there, you ask. Are you implying that I singlehandedly destroyed a company in one year’s time? That would be impressive, even for me. Am I concerned at the prospect of losing my job? Obviously you have not read this, and for that you have no one to blame but blame itself. What will I do if/when I lose my job? I am not entirely sure, but I am kicking around the idea of starting a new blog entitled The $235 Week in which I chronicle life as it lived with a weekly check for $235 for unemployment from Uncle Sam. I expect to write a lot about dumpster diving, creative alternatives to buying gas (i.e. how to siphon), and cool ways to sue people for more money.

What do you guys have planned for October? 

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