Life Tip: Get Laid Off

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If only I were to be so lucky.

I’ll just say what we’re all thinking: everyone hates their job. I mean we’re always dealing with lunatics on the phone, or being accused of lying, or having to move our desk every three weeks, our paychecks are routinely short, we don’t get health insurance, or to go home when there is a possible gas leak in the building… Oh, wait, that’s just my job? Cool.

If there is anything that I’ve learned over the last year of employment, it’s that there are two types of people in the world: those eligible for unemployment and those suckers who either quit or get fired. I’m here to teach you all how to transition from being a contributing member of America’s workforce into a suck on America’s entitlement programs.

When the time comes that you realize your job is the worst, and that you are ready to tackle a new legitimate profession, such as blogging, there are several steps you must take in order to make yourself expendable. You see, your ultimate goal here is to do your job just well enough that no one wants to fire you, but that when push comes to shove, your less than stellar performance puts you on the chopping block when it comes time for your employers to axe all of those pesky excess drones, er, employees.

Do Exactly What You’re Told

By doing what you’re told, you ensure that you aren’t providing grounds for termination, but not going above and beyond the call of duty places you squarely in the lay-off zone. Never give your employer a reason to think that they can’t do without you. If you’re an achievement-oriented, drug-free, adult virgin, this may come as a challenge to you, but you need to trust me. Under-achieving now all you the opportunity to over-achieve on your own time while collecting an unemployment check every week.

Develop An Annoying Habit

This Venn Diagram seems incomplete to me...

Your employers can’t really fire you for an annoying habit such as sharpening three boxes of pencils every Wednesday, or a nervous tick, but a well played annoying habit will put you at the top of the list to get pink slipped. Don’t worry, that isn’t as sexual as it sounds. If things are truly grim, and you’re not sure how long you can last in your current position (still not sexual), you could go for a sudden onset of tourette syndrome. I must warn you that this is an especially risky gambit, and should only be attempted by seasoned swindlers and creative cursers. That was alliteration, in case you missed it.

Hint at Your Raging Alcoholism

You can tell he has a problem because he's a shadow.

It’s fun to joke about alcoholism. Joke a little too much, and people start to question where the sarcasm stops and the truth starts. You can really play this to your advantage as no one is truly comfortable with employing a raging alcoholic, but as long as it doesn’t directly affect your work performance, your employer cannot fire you for hitting the bottle on your own time. A brilliant move made by my co-worker was to loudly call her husband one afternoon, and ask her husband to pick up a few bottles of wine from the liquor store; she made sure to instruct him to go to a specific liquor store, because that is where she has the credit line. That’s right, she’s financing her drinking problem.

I’ve watched countless employees get laid off by simply implementing one or more of the above suggestions. It’s a fail proof plan. Sometimes it takes longer than you would expect to get laid off, so be patient. I will warn you: if you started your employment as an exemplary employee by going far above and beyond the call of duty, and have already previously established yourself as indispensable, your employers may have a hard time of seeing you in any other light- no matter how hard you try. If you find yourself in this situation, the best advice I have for you is: start complaining about how your boss is always macking on you, and see how fast you get let go.

What are some other ways we could use to speed up the lay-off process? Write a blog entry about it? Cool. Have you ever been laid off? How did that go? Share your thoughts, opinions, hopes, and fears below. 

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    About Stanton

    I'm just a boy, a boy standing in front of the Internet, asking it to love him. Also: I eat dead animals.

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    2 Responses to Life Tip: Get Laid Off

    1. Katie Peterson Ellio August 24, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

      *tsk*  Just say NO to taking more taxpayer money!  I told my students "you're welcome" today because most of them are there on grants, so I figure I'm paying for them to be there.  :D  They think that's hilarious…  On the position thing, you could also go for holding your current yoga position.  As for alcoholism, it all starts with a pitcher of sangria.  Just sayin'.

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