Every Friday I present a list of 7 Things I have learned/observed/frantically made up for your reading pleasure. Love it? Hate It? Got a great idea for a 7 Things spot? Drop me a line at info@stantonmartin.com
On a unicorn, maybe.
Leave my computer at the security check-point. I’m always in a rush to get through security. I’ve got my shoes off and in hand before I even reach the bins. I’m one of those people that actually feels like they are in more danger in the presence of police officers / security officials. It’s just my inner criminal coming out, I guess. I just know I am going to set off some bomb sniffing sensor, or have my baggage exchanged with a duplicate full of drugs, money, and Islam.
Lose my boarding pass. Anyone who observes me in an airport must assume I am OCD. I check my tickets, wallet, and passport more than Nancy Grace checks America for missing children. That’s a lot. You would think at some point my boarding pass would become fused to my hand with how tightly I clutch it. I don’t trust it in a pocket or bag. So, how I would manage to lose my boarding pass on the way to reclaim my lost computer is beyond me, but it definitely happened.
I Googled ‘agitated’ and this came up.
Get really agitated. There’s nothing like being in a foreign country 9,000 miles from home with a visa that expires in a few hours, realizing you left your computer at the security checkpoint a mile away from your gate, you know, as they start boarding the plane, and losing your boarding pass in the fevered hurry to recover your computer and make it back to the gate in time. I don’t know, getting dropped off at the Atlanta airport 9 hours before your flight is another special experience. Especially since they won’t let you past the atrium until you’ve got your boarding pass, and the British Airways counter doesn’t open until 2 hours before your flight. Or you could just sit around in the lounge waiting to board your flight and think about how the last time you flew, your plane was struck by lightning.
Complain about the lack of free Internet. The last time I checked, this was America. You know, land of the free (Internet) and home of the (Atlanta) Brave(s). Why is it that airports think they can get away with charging $9 for a day’s worth of Internet? The Internet was specifically designed to help me get things for which I would normally pay, for free! Why should I have to pay for the Internet? It makes no sense. What do these people think I am supposed to do? Use the Internet on my phone!? Ridiculous.
“Move along.”
Talk with Canadians. One day I am going to visit America’s Hat, and when I do, I like to think I will be reunited with all of the Canadian airport friends I have made over the years. I mean all Canadians live within 5 square miles of each other, right? I like to rag on Canada, but deep down, I think I have some Canadian roots. I’m all about peace, affordable healthcare, and Royal Mounted Police. There just isn’t enough of any of that in America. Especially the Police Mounting Royally. I hope to one day be confused for a Canadian while travelling abroad, but I think I’ll have to work on the accent, if you know what I’m talking aboat.
Receive important phone calls. I’ve had at least 3 important phone interviews in airports between flights. I cannot stress enough how awful of an experience that is. The PA is blaring. People are upset. Babies are screaming. I am weeping openly. It’s just the worst. I don’t know why anyone has ever approved me for anything after speaking with me while I am in an airport. I can’t even carry on a decent conversation as I am always distracted as I stay vigilant, and look for terrorists.If you’ve ever attempted to answer a lengthy background and personal history interview entirely with yes or no answers (because it is awkward to discuss your heroine dependency in front of your flight crew), you’ll understand just how painful of an experience it really can be.
Try to figure out how to pee without leaving my luggage unattended. In my mind, if you leave a bag unattended, TSA throws it into a canister and detonates it in three seconds flat. That’s a terrifying belief with which to live. I barely let go of my bags, let alone leave them far enough away for them to be mistaken for ‘unattended’. This becomes a bit complicated when attempting to use the restroom. What is the protocol here? What if I just need to pee? There’s an undeniable splash-zone at the urinal, and I don’t want a stranger’s urine on my luggage. Do I take them into a stall with me? The stalls floors are usually kind of sticky. Isn’t that kind of gross? Will someone think I am assembling some sort of suitcase bomb in the bathroom stall? I’ve settled on simply carrying them into the bathroom, and holding them above my head while I take care of any and all business. It’s the only way.
I can now add miss my flight, beg for a free rebook, weep openly at the graciousness of the ticket desk attendant, and finish a blog post to this list, but that would be 11 Things, and I am not sure you guys are ready to handle all of that bidness. Do you have any funny/horrible airport or flight stories? Feel free to share below. Check back Wednesday for a Mexican Life Tip!
My family once shut down a big chunk of the JFK airport in new york.
My Dad accidentally left one of his bags on a sky train. When we realized we didn't have it but it contained the wallet, the car keys, and the computer, (naturally we put everything of value in one bag) we ran back into the airport to try to hunt it down on one of the kagillion sky trains that carries thousands of passengers all over the massive airport at timed intervals.
No need to worry though, by the time we got back into the airport the area had been shut down, all sky trains had been stopped, the lights were off, the place was swarming with airport police and the bomb squad and we heard on a walkie talkie someone saying "Okay, bring in the dogs."
"Sir, you can't be in here right now." The rude lady said to us. "But I left one of my bags on a sky train and it has my car keys in it!" (rudeness suddenly kicked up about three notches in this police lady) so they had my dad identify the bag then the bomb squad opened it with extreme caution and after quite the reprimand they let us go.
Good times, good times.
Worst nightmare. Ok, well, a bomb being in that bag after you claimed it was be a little worse, but you know what I mean.
You leave your computer at security- I leave my passport. Hey, I'm just entering Turkey. I don't really need that silly ol' thing, right? Luckily, a kind Turkish security worker hunted me down (my blonde hair gave me away) and returned my passport to me while she smiled and shook her head. "Hey, lady, you should know that I get that look a lot."
A friendly Thai woman was looking for me before I could even get back to the security checkpoint. It was incredible. Even random people at shops were like, "Hey, are you missing your computer, I think they're looking for you." I still don't understand how everyone so readily identified me as the idiot that left his bag at security.
I left my son at security. Oh well, we had a couple of good years together.
Father?
With the departure of both you and Katie to Mexico my life is lacking both sarcasm and entertainment.. Hurry up and come home already
We're baaaaaaaack.
We would totally welcome you to Canada with open arms! And we promise not to make fun of your accent too much
Yeeees! You may want to check out my latest video (where you can actually hear my voice) before you make any such promises.
Canadians…I am thankful to have a real Canadian friend as well as my airport Canadian friends:)
I am thankful for my Canadian friend that picked me up from the airport this past week! That was a new experience!
After my mom almost got us arrested getting off the plane because of some toothpaste, the entire family was frisked by military personnel, our gate was changed, and we had a four hour delay so we left at 2 a.m. Did I mention that this all took place in the charming locale of Bogota, Columbia, and the two siblings who spoke Spanish decided to fly in early, so none of us knew what was going on. Also, I almost missed a flight from Argentina back to the U.S. because I thought my flight left at 8…it left at 6.
Numbers are hard.
my father once assumed that because we were in a foreign country where english is not the first language, it was ok to announce that his daughter's nebulizer was a bomb. i now know more about Belizian government policies then I ever cared to know.
You never joke about the B word in an airport. (the B word is Belize)
I had a lady (1st time flyer) freak out on me 20 seconds before touching down in Dallas. She said, "I have to get off!" and tried to climb out into the aisle. At one point she was on all fours in my lap. I grabbed her around the waist and shoved her back down in her seat.
We landed, and she said "Thanks!"
Wow! If someone freaked out on me like that I would probably just yell "Shoe bomb!" to further ignite the situation.