Every Friday I present a list of 7 Things I have learned/observed/frantically made up for your reading pleasure. Love it? Hate It? Got a great idea for a 7 Things spot? Drop me a line at email@example.com
Leave my computer at the security check-point. I’m always in a rush to get through security. I’ve got my shoes off and in hand before I even reach the bins. I’m one of those people that actually feels like they are in more danger in the presence of police officers / security officials. It’s just my inner criminal coming out, I guess. I just know I am going to set off some bomb sniffing sensor, or have my baggage exchanged with a duplicate full of drugs, money, and Islam.
Lose my boarding pass. Anyone who observes me in an airport must assume I am OCD. I check my tickets, wallet, and passport more than Nancy Grace checks America for missing children. That’s a lot. You would think at some point my boarding pass would become fused to my hand with how tightly I clutch it. I don’t trust it in a pocket or bag. So, how I would manage to lose my boarding pass on the way to reclaim my lost computer is beyond me, but it definitely happened.
Get really agitated. There’s nothing like being in a foreign country 9,000 miles from home with a visa that expires in a few hours, realizing you left your computer at the security checkpoint a mile away from your gate, you know, as they start boarding the plane, and losing your boarding pass in the fevered hurry to recover your computer and make it back to the gate in time. I don’t know, getting dropped off at the Atlanta airport 9 hours before your flight is another special experience. Especially since they won’t let you past the atrium until you’ve got your boarding pass, and the British Airways counter doesn’t open until 2 hours before your flight. Or you could just sit around in the lounge waiting to board your flight and think about how the last time you flew, your plane was struck by lightning.
Complain about the lack of free Internet. The last time I checked, this was America. You know, land of the free (Internet) and home of the (Atlanta) Brave(s). Why is it that airports think they can get away with charging $9 for a day’s worth of Internet? The Internet was specifically designed to help me get things for which I would normally pay, for free! Why should I have to pay for the Internet? It makes no sense. What do these people think I am supposed to do? Use the Internet on my phone!? Ridiculous.
Talk with Canadians. One day I am going to visit America’s Hat, and when I do, I like to think I will be reunited with all of the Canadian airport friends I have made over the years. I mean all Canadians live within 5 square miles of each other, right? I like to rag on Canada, but deep down, I think I have some Canadian roots. I’m all about peace, affordable healthcare, and Royal Mounted Police. There just isn’t enough of any of that in America. Especially the Police Mounting Royally. I hope to one day be confused for a Canadian while travelling abroad, but I think I’ll have to work on the accent, if you know what I’m talking aboat.
Receive important phone calls. I’ve had at least 3 important phone interviews in airports between flights. I cannot stress enough how awful of an experience that is. The PA is blaring. People are upset. Babies are screaming. I am weeping openly. It’s just the worst. I don’t know why anyone has ever approved me for anything after speaking with me while I am in an airport. I can’t even carry on a decent conversation as I am always distracted as I stay vigilant, and look for terrorists.If you’ve ever attempted to answer a lengthy background and personal history interview entirely with yes or no answers (because it is awkward to discuss your heroine dependency in front of your flight crew), you’ll understand just how painful of an experience it really can be.
Try to figure out how to pee without leaving my luggage unattended. In my mind, if you leave a bag unattended, TSA throws it into a canister and detonates it in three seconds flat. That’s a terrifying belief with which to live. I barely let go of my bags, let alone leave them far enough away for them to be mistaken for ‘unattended’. This becomes a bit complicated when attempting to use the restroom. What is the protocol here? What if I just need to pee? There’s an undeniable splash-zone at the urinal, and I don’t want a stranger’s urine on my luggage. Do I take them into a stall with me? The stalls floors are usually kind of sticky. Isn’t that kind of gross? Will someone think I am assembling some sort of suitcase bomb in the bathroom stall? I’ve settled on simply carrying them into the bathroom, and holding them above my head while I take care of any and all business. It’s the only way.
I can now add miss my flight, beg for a free rebook, weep openly at the graciousness of the ticket desk attendant, and finish a blog post to this list, but that would be 11 Things, and I am not sure you guys are ready to handle all of that bidness. Do you have any funny/horrible airport or flight stories? Feel free to share below. Check back Wednesday for a Mexican Life Tip!