Today’s 7 Things comes from guest contributor (The) Joseph Craven; a hilarious guy who puts up with all of my nonsense everyday at work. To clarify: we do not work together. I just Google Talk him nonstop from 8 to 5. Make sure to check out The Greatest Blog of All Time, Craven’s hilarious blog, which, incidentally, just featured a guest post by your’s truly.
Stanton Martin and I have many things in common. We both run immensely successful blogs. We’re both devilishly, (almost dangerously!) handsome. And our lives were both heavily influenced by the cinematic masterpiece that is Jurassic Park.
It is the responsibility of older generations to teach the younger ones the things that are most important. I believe that was the goal of Mr. Steven Spielberg when he made this film, and therefore, that is my goal now. So I present to you 7 Things I Learned From Jurassic Park.
1. Jeeps are awesome.
This may not seem like a life lesson, but allow me to explain: As a young child who had ridden in cars frequently, I knew how exciting life on the road could be. However, as much of that experience had been in a minivan, I also knew that there was something out there that could make that experience complete. That’s when I watched Jurassic Park and saw a Jeep for the first time.
No amount of genetic engineering could create SOMETHING SO PURE
The freedom that vehicle offered was undeniable, even to a youth. It was a physical testament to the age when America didn’t care about the opinion of others. It also taught me a very valuable lesson: that you have to start with the basics in life.
Some things are just naturally good: sunrises, flowers, the birth of a child. Some things are inherently evil: disease, disasters, having to give birth to a child. But before you can really understand that, there is an even more basic truth.
Some things, children….some things are inherently AWESOME. Jeeps are in that category. That’s where you start in life: with the things that are either inherently lame, or inherently awesome.
2. Stay calm: you never know when your fears’ vision is based on movement.
It’s natural to want to panic in dire situations. A huge Tyrannosaurus Rex is staring straight at you? Yeah, you’re gonna want to scream and run and stuff. But that will kill you. Simply put, overreacting and panicking doesn’t just get in the way of progress, it ends you. It’s that simple. But Alan Grant knew better, like the hero he is, and he knew that staying calm was the way to survive.
That lawyer? He didn’t know how to stay calm, and because of that, he got eaten. On a toilet.
"Oh geez, is this a bad time?"
That’s really the lesson here, kids: you panic, you die. On a toilet.
3. Surround yourself with the right people. In particular, actual security guards and stuff.
At what point during the planning process, when they were discussing having a theme park filled with reptilian killing machines, did they forget to hire people with guns in case the power goes out? Because the power DOES go out, and who is there to contain the dinosaurs? Nobody. Literally, nobody.
Robert Muldoon works ALONE
The reasoning here seems a little strange. Did all the security they hired take the same vacation time? Just poor planning. There was nobody around to answer the cries of “SHOOOOOT ‘ERRRRR!”
Furthermore, in case you hire a computer engineer who will gladly sell all your secrets, then neglect to pay him for his work, it would help to bring aboard a chief engineer who actually knows how to work a computer. What exactly was Samuel L. Jackson’s job at the park? To meet the cigarette quota? A teenage girl solved all their computer problems!
Of course, he also thought he could handle going to the maintenance shed by himself. With no gun.
But anyway, you need the right people in your life. Like people who can stop dinosaurs from killing you.
4. Women are trouble.
The scientists in the park thought they were clever. If the dinos escaped (most likely due to understaffing), they would never be a danger to the rest of the world. They were all bred female, so they’d just hang and paint each other’s nails til they die, and what do you know! It’s like they were never there. They didn’t think about one fact, though: women will go WELL out of their way to ruin your plans.
"WE NEED TO TAAAAAAALK"
Though a fluke none of the many scientists predicted but one guy figured out in 2 seconds (Alan Grant, ladies and gentlemen), the dinos changed gender and started reproducing, just to give the middle finger to John Hammond’s control. It was a prehistoric feminist movement.
Imagine if they made them all male. Would they be more violent? Possibly so. But I can tell you right now that if the power had gone out, the first thing they would’ve done is complain about missing the game on their dino-televisions, then just napped til it came back on. Certainly nothing requiring much work.
In other words, women are trouble, and I learned it at a young age.
5. Life will find a way….to eat you.
Ian Malcolm wasn’t liked by anyone on the island. That needs to be pointed out. He dressed in all black, hit on just about everything (including dinosaurs, I’m pretty sure), and acted like a total know-it-all. This was ironic, because what he was supposedly an expert in was chaos theory, or basically the unpredictability of life.
"Now, let’s say a drop of water falls on my bare chest. Which way is the drop going to roll off?"
He did seem pretty sure about one thing: that life will find a way. In this case, it meant that you can’t control life. You can’t fence it in or dominate it, especially if it happens to be a massive lizard that wants to eat you. Which is also a pretty depressing lesson, because it means that life inevitably finds a way to end. Malcolm always was the life of the party. It’s hard to like a man who has two first names. Or two last names *COUGH*STANTON MARTIN*COUGH*
I’m pretty sure there’s an important lesson here about not playing God or whatever, but at this point I can’t get over how Ian Malcolm could not have been more useless.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
6. Hold onto your butts.
Sometimes, there are things that are too important to explain in a few short sentences. It could be the love felt in a close friendship. It could be the joy of a momentous occasion, such as a wedding. Or it could be the line “Hold onto your butts.”
What has this quote taught us? So many things!
- In difficult situations, hold on to what is really important.
- When success starts to go to your head, it’s important to remember the essentials.
- Brace yourself, and the things you hold dear, because things are about to change.
Basically, holding onto your butt is a reminder to look at the things in life that actually matter; that are actually important enough to hold onto. For you, that could be family. It could be a job. Maybe a prized possession. In the case of Ray Arnold, it was his butt.
And cigarettes
When writing this section of the post, I warned Stanton that there was a good chance it would be just 100 thoughts all running together. Stanton dropped this gem: “I think that happens when you love something so much and could really talk about it forever.”
7. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
This is the one thing that we all need to take to heart. Yes, John Hammond could bring dinosaurs back to life. Yes, he could make it a theme park. Yes, he could make a fortune off of it. But there was a reason it was the only one in the world: because if even the slightest thing went wrong, people start dying.
"Oh, it's so cute, and in no way will this decision come back to haunt us!"
It seems like common sense, but when given the power to do something, we just feel like we have to take advantage of that. Should I take a lewd picture of myself and try to send it to somebody? Of course not! But the camera phone is just sitting there, so SOMEBODY needs to use it.
But some bad decisions just seem so harmless. Should I watch Jurassic Park for the 1,000,000th time tonight? Probably not. But hey, one more viewing couldn’t hurt, right?….right?
Should I write 1400 words about this movie? No? Oops.
Fantastic article! And I am not just saying that, because I am your brother. The points that you made were enlightening. I would like to point out that while we are celebrating the Jurassic Park movie, we should not forget Michael Crighton's book. I read it before seeing the movie and it changed my life. Much of what is in the movie came directly from the book, but some things had to be cut. What I remember most fondly is the numerous times that raptors pulled someone's intestines out of their stomachs. Crighton enjoyed describing it in gruesome detail. Now that this post has gone on for far too long, I guess I better wrap it up.