- You Guys. You would be hard pressed to hang out with a group of intoxicated individuals without hearing their declaration of heartfelt love for everyone gathered at the table. Such declarations are often triggered by such statements as, “Yeah, well, you’re better off without him/her/them,” or “I’m glad we’re doing this,” or perhaps, “Drunk? No, you’re totally fine!” The important thing to remember is that the love expressed by this drunk is very real to them, and therefore you should embrace it, otherwise you risk spurning the overly-imbibed and usher them into newer and more extreme emotions like anger.
- This Song. Drunks really love this song, and they’re not afraid to let you, and everyone else know it. While you’re most likely to hear “I love this song!” screamed at a bumping dance club or discotheque, you’re really not safe anywhere that alcohol and music of any form are involved. A drunk’s true love of this song is often demonstrated by stumbling to the center of the dance floor and busting out their one dance move. A milder drunk will simply slur all the lyrics that they can remember as they sing along. If you’re at a karaoke, this song is almost always Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen or Forget You by Cee Lo Green.
- This One Time. We all know that guy that likes to tell a good story; unfortunately some of us also know that drunk guy that likes to tell the same story over and over again to anyone who will listen. This particularly unskilled raconteur will look for any opportunity to hijack your story or conversation with a well placed “This one time…” His story rarely relates to the topic at hand, usually must be restarted at least twice due to forgotten details, and is often borrowed from a friend, website, or in some particularly pathetic cases, yourself.
- This Place. The more intoxicated a drunk becomes, the stronger the bond between the drunk and his barroom of choice grows. Perhaps it is all the hours spent clutching the toilet in the bathroom barely fit for a crack den, or maybe it’s getting another drink spilled onto their lap for the fifth time that night, but, to a drunk, there’s just always something about this place.
- That Girl/Guy I Barely Know. Similar to You Guys but differing in that the drunk does not actually know this individual very well at all, in fact, it is common for the drunk to get the girl or guy’s name wrong. The drunk usually spots the individual from across the bar and gets really excited about the prospect of catching up with an old friend only to find that once the drunk actually engages the “old friend”, that they know literally nothing about each other. You will find that this usually ends in one of two ways, and it must be noted that the outcome is usually dependent on how drunk the “old friend” is at the time. If the “old friend” is sober, he or she will forever avoid the drunk in all social situations. If, however, the “old friend” is drunk, this interaction actually acts as a bonding agent, and now whenever these two encounter each other in bars they will scream and embrace each other; the relationship is usually limited to talking about how drunk they are, or bumming cigarettes from one another.
- These chips/fries/slices of chocolate cake. A drunk will often complain about supposed “unexplained” weight gain, and will often posit that perhaps it is all the drinking that they’ve been doing as of late. In fact, it is probably less the drinking in and of itself, and more the resulting binge eating. You will often hear a drunk exclaiming “I freakin’ love these chips!” While most drunks may use their lowered inhibitions as a catalyst for pursuing members of the opposite sex, it seems there is an entirely different class of drunks who will use it to see how many calories can possibly be consumed in a couple of hours time.
- Fighting. While a drunk loves many things, nothing quite compares to their love for fighting. It doesn’t take much to get a drunk from I love you guys to I love the way you bleed when I punch you in the tooth. Because, when it really comes down to it, most drunks loves using alcohol to hide from the pain caused by whom or whatever it is that they truly love.
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